Mocking Stars Breaking Life
by Elementalist
Summary: Fai has found himself in love with someone. Someone he can never hold or touch, for the stars would mock him for trying to be happy while living a lie. FaixSakura
1. Chapter 1

When asked later on, he was sure he couldn't remember how it had happened, why it had happened, or even when it had all taken place. But, the fact was that it did happen, and a lot of lives were torn and ripped, beaten and bruised, then tossed aside to the vile, wroth dogs of envy and betrayal to devour and make no more. It was just another thing that had gone wrong in Fai D. Flowright's life, even though what he had done was something that should've brought him happiness. Not that it hadn't. In fact, it had…but like with everything that grew close to him, he had to leave it behind for unknown reasons. Which hurt so much more bitterly than any cold or heat ever felt before.

The whole thing that had started this act of betrayal and lack of trust within the group…was but one mere emotion. One all of us in our life times will experience. Outcomes of this will always be different, varying on only the person who falls as it's next victim.

Love.

Yes, this was the start of everything. Something that was practically unstoppable and unchangeable throughout time. But, it wasn't the fact that Fai had fallen in love, it was just the person he loved. Which was something one could not morph, too, if one thinks about it in that sense. Once you have climbed the crystal stairways of Heaven or clutched the thorn ladder of Hell as you were falling, could you possibly change the outcome? Could you honestly tell me that if you were climbing those stairs you'd want to come back down, or if it was the thorns you gripped, tell me that you were not condemned for something you have done?

Maybe. Maybe not. The point is, though, that you can't change what's going to happen to you if it's already begun. Once you're on that stairway; you're going to scale those stairs. If you hung for your 'life' with sharp barbs cutting into the meat of your palm would you not eventually fall? If you fall in love with somebody that's untouchable, out of your grasp but you still cannot help the feelings you hold for them, could you stop the pain that you know is going to come? That's on it's way? That's already so unbearable that the only thing you have to hide behind is a smile?

A smile that seemed to fool even the most intelligent of us, for we sometimes believe that everyone can be happy. True, but our eyes are windows that look into the depths of our souls. The emotions and secrets that radiate from them, that everyone will see, will be ingenious. Something a mere smile plastered on one's face cannot cloak. No matter how happy it may appear or how many lies flow from it. No one can be happy all the time, it's impossible.

But I digress, this is supposed to be the tale of this star-crossed man and his unfortunate damned life. Shall we continue? Or would you rather sit there awhile longer, musing about might have already happened to you, or what will happen in the near future?

Fai sat there, alone, outside of the hut-shaped building the group was currently residing in for the night. Earlier, he had realized he couldn't sleep and wandered out here to watch the stars drift around aimlessly. They were in the same situation he was in and as the final few of them faded into nothing by the rays of the rising sun, he felt as if he was going to disappear. That's what he wished, anyway. But his wishes never came true, something he had found out when he was a few years younger.

Many times he had wished on one of the tricolor stars that hovered over his home. Every time he asked for the same thing: Freedom. But the stars only laughed at him, spiting cruel remarks to his face. They told him he'd never leave, that he would always be condemned to his King's side. Perhaps, it was because of this, he thought that he'd never feel anything other than hatred and disgust to those who had their own life to live. Until he had proved the stars wrong by fleeing his world, his King, basically his whole existence to live a lie. At least he was free, no longer under the beck and call of King Ashura.

He narrowed his eyes at the dimming stars. They, too, where laughing at him, mocking his human stupidity. Sadly, they told him the truth. He wasn't free, but just merely running and hiding from his fate of loneliness and damnation.

"No matter…," he said aloud without truly realizing it, "I will keep running. Maybe then, I won't be found."

_But you'll still be living a lie. Hiding and tearing off in some unknown direction to escape the fate you've already predestined. You shouldn't blame the stars for your wrong doings. _

Placing a hand on his forehand, he gently began to rub his temples. A steady, pulsing beat had formed just behind his eyes, sending sharp zaps of pain about his head. Thinking of these things didn't help at all. One day he was sure he'd have to face his fate…but for now, he just wanted to watch the sun rise and forget.

Other than his own faint breathing and a few chirping birds--though he was unsure if it might be birds…this was, after all a different land-- it was quite. Deadly quite. Yet he didn't hear the soft footsteps until their owner sat beside him.

"Fai-san?" Emerald eyes peered down at him with drowsy confusion and legitimate worry. "Why aren't you asleep?"

Merely shrugging, he sat up eyes still trained towards the sun. A moment passed before he looked over at her and flashed her a smile. She smiled back. It radiated with more warmth and light than even the sun. He found himself staring at her, not that he attended to do so, but she was so cute and innocent that it was hard not to meet her gaze.

Those emerald eyes were scanning his face now, in search of something. Knowing not what she was looking for in his features or why she had come out here in the first place, he quietly asked her. "Sakura-chan, is there something you need?"

Though it was dim and one could barely make out the boldest of outlines, he could tell she was blushing. Perhaps it was his magical senses that allowed him to know, maybe it was just he knew her well enough that he could predict what was going to happen with her. Most likely it was neither of those, but one could wish can't they? Even if the stars where out to only to mock him and destroy his hopes, maybe he could prove them wrong this time and spit in their faces.

She shook her head vigorously, her short brown hair spilling around her shoulders in a mess of tangles when she was finished. Another smile graced her features as she spoke. "N-no. I was just wandering where you went off to, that's all."

"Worried?"

She only nodded slowly in reply, her eyes turning glossy--she was remembering something. Her body gave a violent shake, then she fell over. Quick to react as he had on so many other occasions, Fai caught her now limp form in his arms. The flesh over her brow began to bead with a faint cold sweat making her hair mat in that spot. Delicately, as if he was afraid she might break (or awaken), he pushed the strands aside so her forehead was now free of the mousy streaks.

It would be another few moments before her eyes would flutter open and the memory would've ended. Emerald was full of sorrow, brimming with unshed tears as she looked up at him. She placed her hand over her heart, clutching a handful of the fabric that lay over it. She was in great pain, he thought, the memory must've had Syaoran in it. He slowly embraced her, trying to comfort the tears.

"It's alright, no need for the tears." His voice was soft and calm, "There's no reason to cry over something you had no control over."

What he said had the opposite affect on her, and soon the tears were spilling from her eyes. He felt his heart sink. He had never intended this to happen, in fact, he wanted nothing more than to make her happy. Which was almost a taboo in itself. How could he make her happy when he couldn't even do the same for himself?

Moments passed, then minutes, but the tears didn't cease and instead continued coursing down her pale cheeks. She looked so helpless in his arms, something that brought him more dread. Damnit, why couldn't he help her? Why could he not think of something stupid to do to make her tears turn into laughter? Seeing her like this made him want to cry, too.

She was the person he loved. His untouchable love. He knew this and understood it. But being condemned to a lonely life was something he wanted so much to change. This girl had shown him kindness and warmth that none had before and he soon had found himself drawn to her. Right now, he wanted nothing more than to hold her closely and tell her he loved her.

The stars were not on his side, though, and he knew if even the slightest mummer of his desire were to leak through the ears of the others, he would be even more damned. This was his fate, he lived only to love someone he could never hold as the stars ridiculed him. Just what had he done to deserve this, he asked himself as he tightened his grip on the girl. Haunted blue eyes soon narrowed at the light sky, cursing it for always looking down on him with gleeful looks at such times.

"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan….Oh so sorry." He said, voice just above a whisper.

"F-for what, Fai-san?" Her voice was caked with sorrow and tears.

He sat there, unsure if he should say anything at all. But, he knew he was going to clutch the thorn ladder of Hell anyway, so why not get there sooner? Maybe there the stars wouldn't laugh at him.

"For falling in love with you…"

(This is my first Tsubasa RC ficcy…so be kind. The pairing is sorta new for me, too. Sure, I've read many FaixKurogane ficcys and even some SakuraxSyaoran. But I've only seen one FaixSakura fic and in that fic the writer said that there should be more of this pairing. I agree, and that's why I wrote this. The fic I read was called: _Storm and Fire_ by **MitsukiShiroi**. Check it out if you like this pairing. It's a good ficcy.

Sure, it isn't the happiest of ficcys, but that's because it's just the first chapter. Please review and tell me if you liked it. Thanks!

Ele.)


	2. Chapter 2

_--Is it wrong to love two people? Is it wrong to hate? Is it wrong to sin against a God you don't believe in? Is it wrong to kill? Is it wrong to die?--_

_Why is it wrong to love two people?_

"It's a sin."

_Why is it wrong to hate?_

"It's a sin."

_Why is it wrong to sin against a God you don't believe in?_

"It's still a sin."

_Why is it wrong to kill?_

"It's a sin."

_Why is it wrong to die?_

"It wasn't your time…"

_Am I a sinner?_

"Have you sinned?"

_I have._

"Then you are what you said."

_A sinner. Is that bad?_

"Yes."

_Why?_

"…"

_Why?_

"…I have no answer."

_Is there even one?_

"I don't know…"

_Have you sinned?_

"No."

_What does that make you?_

"I don't know."

_Does that make you a good person?_

"Yes."

_Have you loved two people?_

"I have…"

_Do you hate someone?_

"I do…"

_Have you sinned against a God you don't believe in?_

"I suppose I have…"

_Have you killed?_

"…"

_Have you?_

"..Yes, I have."

_Have you died?_

"No, not yet."

_What does this make you?_

"Alive."

_Are you a sinner?_

"No."

_But, have you not loved two people, killed, sinned against a God you don't believe in, and hated someone?_

"Yes…but…"

_Then, aren't you a sinner?_

"No."

_How come?_

"Everyone loves more than one person. Everyone has hated. Everyone will sin against a God they don't believe in…Everyone will have to kill to stay alive."

_So…that makes everyone a sinner?_

"No…"

_But…that's what you just said._

"Just because they do these things doesn't mean they are sinners."

_I've done these things…yet you called me a sinner. Am I one or not?_

"You are."

_How? How am I sinner and no else is?_

"You died before your time…"

_That makes me dead…_

"You are dead…"

_But how did I die?_

"…That's what I want to know…"

_Why?_

"I am your lover…was your lover."

_I don't know you._

"You did…"

_How have I forgotten then?_

"You sinned and lost all memory of being alive…of me and of our home."

_That's a lie._

"Lying is a sin."

_I don't care! I don't know you and I'm not dead._

"You do and you are."

_The dead cannot speak; therefore, I am not dead._

"Who said you were speaking?"

_But…_

"The dead cannot speak, this is true. You are dead, and you haven't spoken a word."

_Then…how can you….How do you know what I'm saying?_

"Because…I can."

_Stop it! I am not dead, I am not a sinner!_

"And you died before your time…."

_I don't understand! I am alive, I'm right here!_

"Tell me, can you move? Does breath pass from your lips?"

…_No…and I barely feel my breath…_

"You are both alive and dead at the same time…yet are neither."

_I'm asleep._

"You are sealed away."

_Why? _

"You have sinned greatly."

_What?_

"Your soul turned dark and evil…"

_Evil? Is that a sin?_

"No…_it _is sin. If you are evil--"

_--You are a sinner? One damned to a never ending death?_

"Yes."

_So…that is why I'm a sinner?_

"It is."

_Is that why I was sealed away? So I can do no more harm?_

"That is true."

_Who was the one to do it?_

"I was…"

_You? _

"Yes…"

_But…you are…my lover, correct? What kind of lover does that?_

"…I'm sorry. But…I cannot stand all this war, Ashura…I can't even stand to be in this world anymore."

_Are you leaving?_

"I have to. If I don't…I will die. Please…forgive me."

_Do you love me?_

"I do…"

_Then, why do you go?_

"I…I can't stay here anymore, my King. I can't…"

_I will find you then…and bring you back to me._

"Back to all this war?"

_If it may be the case…I will bring you back here, even if this war is going on. _

"Ashura…I can't let you do that."

_I will find you if you leave._

"Do you honestly care that much about me?"

_No._

"…Then--"

_You are a sinner, and you'll be damned to my side._

"Then…I'll make sure you will not find me…"

_You sealed me…but I can still fell my power running in my veins. I will get out…Until then, I will watch you. Every step you take, I will know. Every breath you take will be heard by me. You flee, but where to? You have no where in which I can't see you._

"…I have to try…"

_You will fail._

"No…you are the one who's failed."

_We'll see that in the end._

"I'm going now…Sweet dreams…My King…."

_As long as you love me…you cannot love another…I swear it by the Gods, if you fall in love again, I will know. And I will make your return even more painful… _

* * *

"I'm sorry…oh so sorry.…"

Her emerald eyes closed to her tears as she tried to process what Fai had just told her. Love. What a strong word that was. It could make or break, heal or destroy…one little word could do so much. But, what did he mean by it? Surely he couldn't love her…

It was going to be hard if Fai's words were true. Syaoran would be heartbroken--again. Kurogane would probably hate the wizard even more for hurting his subordinate. Love…it could build and destroy even the greatest of cities.

Sakura's head spun, and her heart ached. She loved Syaoran and had since the country of Jade. He always protected her, made her smile and happy. Hurting him was the last she wanted to do.

But, Fai…she loved Fai, too. More like a dear, dear friend or a brother, but it was still love, wasn't it? There were times that only he could sooth her fears of the changing worlds. He even knew of her nightmares of a place she barely remembered…a place where ruins spoken in a tongue she understood, where the ground shook every time she heard those ruins speak. He always calmed her, told her it would be alright and not to worry…that he was there. That they _all _were there to protect her.

She supposed, if ever a time to fall into love's game, that was when it happened.

Fai hadn't moved at all since she had collapsed, and his arms remained wound around her in a protective embrace. _Like he's afraid I'll get up and leave…or that I'll disappear…_she realized with frown.

_Torment…_she thought suddenly, pressing her ear to his chest - right above his heart. '_Thump…T-hump…T--hump.' __His heart is in torment because of me. Every beat brings him more sadness_.

That wasn't how love was supposed to be. She had a dulled view of the world and a confused sense of how it all pieced together and worked…but she understood that love was supposed to be a good feeling. A warmth the starts in the heart and spreads throughout the entire body. Sakura, despite knowing not how this all started, felt a deep guilt in her heart -- this surely wasn't love!

Fai shifted, his arms wrapping even tighter around her. "…Please….say something. The silence is killing me."

It was quite quiet out here, she realized, her frown deepening. Even the sound of their breaths and the soft hammering of Fai's heart weren't enough to ward it off. Had it always been like this?

Or was this thick and suffocating premature deafening fault only to them?

Probably. More than that actually. It was almost one-hundred percent their doing.

"Sakura-chan…I'm sorry…If you would rather not talk about it…_ever_," he lingered on the last word, as if he was tasting the way that reality sounded, "I'd understand. I suppose it's very…odd for me to cherish you so much…"

_That's not it at all…_

"No…Fai-san…that's not it…I just don't want to hurt anybody."

_That's the only reason…If I accepted your love, I would be lying, Fai-san…I love Syaoran…not you. I'm sorry…._

She closed her eyes, biting her lip as more tears came flooding from her eyes. A soft sigh tumbled from Fai's lips as he continued to hold her, telling her it would all be okay -- the same things he told her time and time again to comfort her. Except, though the tone and manner was the same, the words did little to calm her.

Then, almost as if this was all planned out so all the wrong things would happen, Sakura (and Fai, too, she was sure) heard the thunder of footsteps roaring through the tiny hut. Syaoran was awake…he was searching for her. If he saw them like this …

Sakura started to protest and pressed her palms flat against Fai in an attempt to push him away before the one that held her true affection stumbled upon the rather…intimate scene. However, her actions were for not as Syaoran came flying out onto the porch.

His hair lay in a mess, tangled by his run, and his breath croaked past his lips. He was so worried for her safety…

"Fai-san! Sakura-hime is missing from…her…bed?" He blinked those handsome chocolate eyes and cocked an eyebrow at them.

Sakura started to mumble something, but was cut-off when Fai gave the young man an almost-honest answer.

"Ah! Syaoran-kun! You don't have to worry, Sakura-chan is right here." He smiled, eyes twinkling. "She came out here to see what I was up too and fell unconscious -- you know what happens when she searches for her memories by using her mind to gather them. She just now woke up."

Not surprisingly, Syaoran nodded, a look of relief passing across his face. He knelt down and helped Sakura to her feet; Fai's arms went back to his own sides and he said nothing in protest.

Feeling slightly defeated, Fai turned his back to them. She didn't need to read his eyes to know that was how he felt. But, perhaps this was for the best. Sakura couldn't return his love…

Could she?

* * *

Ta-da Chappy two, after…eh…how many years? -sweat drop- Oi…I just got a review for this story tonight…and figured 'Damn…I keep getting reviews, let's kick this puppy in the rear and write another chappy.'

And here it is. -grin- I hope you enjoyed it as much as you did the last chapter…if not, eh-heh, sorry.

Anyway, I think, I _know_, that there'll be another chapter after this and I may just make it one of my regulars.

(A/N: Regulars, in my term, …are stories I plan chapters for and thus put off writing the chapters for months at a time…/ I'm so horrible…sorry)

Review, pwease?

Ele.


	3. Chapter 3

Fai sat outside for a long while after that, staring up at the brightening sky with blank eyes. Ice that even the sun couldn't thaw.

He was conscious of all the happenings around him -- the thin, tall trees of this world shaking and shivering when a chill of wind danced past; animals in the surrounding forest clicking and chirping, some making noises that couldn't be imitated; a hole forming in his heart that he didn't know how to mend or if he would even gain in it being healed -- but ignored each one. They had no purpose; it was better if they ceased existing, much like himself.

Clouds, white with the smallest twinge of blue, slid over the sun, casting shadows over the land. Fai blinked his eyes, watching his shadow bleed in with the rest. Another bat of his eye and had disappeared all together, lost amongst its kind. He wanted very much to join it. Disappearing seemed like a bliss compared to the confusion and hurt of existing.

The clouds only thickened the sky further as the morning faded away to noon. Soon, the vast sea-green of it became cloaked in heavy thunderheads. It made a small smile grace Fai's lips in a mask of mock-interest. The sky matched his mind, all dark and dangerous, but he was tired of irony and its definition. He sure as hell wasn't going to give the Gods of this land (or any, for that matter) the satisfactory of gaining his surprise.

With a graceful movement, he was on his feet, standing his full height on the hut's porch. A moment more was given to studying the clouds -- _the storm will keep us indoors for the better part of today, and perhaps tomorrow…_was his thought -- before turning on his heel, turning his back to it. A gesture he knew well.

His steps were swift, quiet, ghost of footsteps against the wood. If the memory he gained from the morning were any greater, he would have really become a phantom gliding into the building.

At least he had some hope. Regrettably. He knew nothing good would come from it. But as long as he was human, he would cling to the tiny spark at the center of the hole in his heart and wish for a way to heal.

That was the flaw of humans and their nature. The greatest tragedy could happen to them and they would continue to hope until the fire of the soul paled, turned to embers, and choked out. Hope was a terrible thing. Such a falsehood that turned the spirit into smoke.

Fai D. Flowright, a scholar taught to dismiss such humanity, fell under hope's spell faster than any he had cast himself. So were the ways of mortality -- sometimes magic knitted a web without the person's consent.

Love was very much the same way, he mused as he walked to his room. Sleep weighed down his eyes, brushing lead against the pallor of his skin. He would have bags under his eyes. He found he didn't care.

At some point, Kurogane had awoke and wondered out to the main hall of the hut. Fai was inclined to believe that he sensed the tension in the air and came to see what made it so sour. That false smile grew in the tiniest bit when Fai saw him, leaning against the wall as if it was normality. How he envied him so much in that moment. It would be a dream to stand up straight without the pain of his situation crashing down on his shoulders.

"Good morning!" That cheerful façade hardened his smile, set it in stone. "Have you been up long?"

Kurogane's face twitched in a fleeting grimace, annoyed. "Not long. Up with the sun."

Fai nodded, continuing on his way. "I don't mean to be rude, but I haven't been to sleep yet. I'm going to lie down until the storm rolls out."

Two steps later, he felt the sudden pain of a hand squeezing his arm. He stopped walking and focused his mind on the bruise forming just below his skin. A delicate rose of pain blooming with its dark petals spreading beneath his sleeve.

An unintentional gift -- Kurogane was stronger than he gave himself credit for.

"You're acting different this morning," he said, voice soft but sharp. Fai imagined the hidden blades in that tone reaching out and stabbing him, turning the petals red. "Why?"

Fai's tone was equally sharp -- a razor made it able for speech instead of his tongue. "Different? The only thing different is the world we're in, Kuro-tan. Now, please release me."

Incoherent mutterings played a symphony, assaulting his ears. His arm was released, as asked, but the mage stood there until he heard the last of Kurogane's angry steps echoing from behind his back before he rushed into his room. The door slid behind him with an inaudible noise, but Fai could still hear it. Silence always seemed to have a sound to his ears.

There was a mirror in his room, along with a thin mattress and a wardrobe. The later wasn't used (it was unnecessary since they left world so rapidly) and he thought the mirror wouldn't be used at all. Fai wasn't a vain person. In fact, he didn't like to see his reflection at all. He had a rather nasty habit of picking out the imperfections that he had. It did wonders to his self-esteem.

He stood there, near the mirror hanging on the wall, listening for Kurogane. The swordsman was either sitting down or too far away for Fai to hear him. Good. He could look at the newest imperfection of his body without the chance of an uninvited audience.

Shirt discarded in a manner of seconds, Fai turned and showed the bruise to the mirror. The reflection made a face -- Fai realized he was too.

It wasn't bad, just slight discoloring in five long ovals curving around his upper arm. Though, against the pallor of his skin, the bruises looked more like ink stains. Fai sighed; the reflection did so too.

Leaving his shirt off, he flopped down on the mattress. The movement made no sound; the mattress didn't creak in protest. He was light enough to do both with the illusion that he'd magicked himself there.

He didn't bother with the coverlet, nor did he bother rolling over to a more comfortable fold of his body. It should have bothered him (countless times before that day it had) but, if it did, he ignored it so well that he didn't even notice he was doing it.

Laying face down, cheek pressed on his arm instead of a pillow, Fai slowly allowed himself to drift to sleep. All the while, the weight of the world pressed into his shoulders and crumbled his spine.

Cowards, after all, were a species God never intended to walk.

* * *

Okay…almost another year's wait -- DAMNIT, I SUCK! I'm so sorry…you guys…hey. HEY!!

Phooey…Well, everyone's deserted me…

SORRY!! FOR TAKING SO LONG!! -makes a sorry face-

Anyway, to those who are still here…

Enjoy it.

-- Ele.


End file.
